After Randy tells Paul what a great job he’s doing as co-anchor, Paul gets the nerve to tell Randy he wants to do positive news stories. Randy explains to Paul that positive news won’t sell. (Sung by: Randy and Chorus)
Chorus
News, News, News, News, News, News
Randy
Give us a murder or a death in a house blown up by meth
Or a presidential blunder that’ll make our audience wonder
How did he become the leader of this nation?
That’s the lead story on your local news station.
Chorus: News Station
Randy
How ‘bout celebrities and scandal the PR guy can’t handle
Or a stabbing in the city and the accused is some old bitty
With stories like that our ratings are a constellation
That’s the lead story on your local news station
Chorus: News Station
Randy
It’s not that we don’t have any morals or journalistic integrity
But with the kind of stories we are telling
And all the ads we’re selling
We are sure to bring in lots of money
Randy/Chorus: Money, Money
Randy
When we hear a child’s gone missing and the father’s been off fishing
And the family’s really poor, it’s a story we adore
These are stories that’ll give you palpitations
That’s the lead story on your local news station
Chorus: News Station
Randy
We love it when a plane’s gone down and no bodies can be found
Or a cop just shot some guy who claims that we was drunk and high
With stuff like that there isn’t much consternation
That’s the lead story on your local news station
Chorus: News Station
Randy
If we don’t depress our daily viewers, our ratings will stay severely low
But with the kind of stories we are telling
And all the ads we’re selling
We are sure to bring in lots of dough
Chorus: Dough
Randy
So give us a breaking amber alert caused by the neighborhood pervert
Or an outing at the zoo where visitors get mauled and chewed
That will get us Emmy consideration
That’s the lead story on your local news station
Chorus: News Station
Randy
We live for a multi-car accident or an anthrax letter sent
Or a rapist who’s set free because of a hung jury
Those are stories that may cause you constipation
That’s the lead story on your local news station
Randy
You see its misery that pays
So it’s misery that stays
Right here
On your local news station
Chorus: News, News, News, News, News, News — News Station